to be carried

Lord

I don't want to grow bitter. I don't want to grow distant from you. I don't want my grief to blur my vision on You.

But oh Lord.

I feel fragile. I realize how prone i am to lose sight of what truly matters. I feel so prone to lose my faith in the intensity of grief. I don't feel like You're good and yet i know my feelings don't dictate Your goodness. I know You are still God. 

and this is deep friction to self but i think i need to still say it anyway - God IS still good. I don't want to believe it cuz my human brain thinks having eddie still alive, healing in a hospital bed right now, would be the perfect display of God goodness. 

Life doesn't feel good. Life just makes me wanna go to Heaven. I feel jealous of eddie - she got Home. She's above all this earth and the horror of death. She's above life. She's with Jesus. I want to be with Jesus. I want to be with Jesus and her - that would be the best combo. 

People tell me I still have a reason on this earth and my head knows that's the truth but oh my heart just doesn't long to cross off my bucket list anymore. My heart doesn't care about the earthly zeal of life. This earth is so fragile. Life is so fragile. People can die just that fast. One phone call can empty your chest.

When things happen, I'm prone to fight. But this time, this is about death, there is nothing I can fight. I don't have the strength to wrestle with God over this. I can only be carried. 

I know God is here. Cuz everytime I close my eyes I picture wings around me. and there are some verses that are more meaningful to me than ever before. And God is showing up, in such kind ways, through people. 

I shakily choose to tap into the faith I had before this happened. For it is still there. Even if I don't feel like it is. But it is there. Death can't take away my faith in my Father. and i refuse to let death rip apart my relationship with Him.

I'm mad i have to live without eddie. And i know under my mad, is sad. It just feels so wrong to now live without my heart sister. How? HOW? HOW do i physically, emotionally do life now without my girl by my side? i know there isn't much of answer to that right now. I still need her. 

Maybe i am still wrestling with reality… 

all i know is, i need to allow myself to be carried.

ps. i want to be real about my grief. im gonna write about it. and if i get to depressing and stuck, please give me a kick of what i need. cuz i don't know how to grieve.