the price of love

the last week

sunday

its morning and i'm off to casey’s for breakfast.

church.

the congregation of russellville is here for the day of singing and socialising.

potluck.

at 2:30 the crowd gathers in sanctuary again for a singing service. that lasts till 4 ish.

home for a nap.

in the evening the youth enjoy a campfire at the teacherage

monday.

just did stuff this morning.

to ranch for lunch.

school.

last time doing chores with the girls.

for supper there is a youth deal down by a creek.

tuesday

target. errands. random to do’s.

to that house on cripps road for supper and eve

wednesday

8 am. go meet spavinaw people.

back at home, i continue to pack

stuff to rental

ranch.

school.

i come home from school

brew coffee

sit on the rug with the

completed book of handwritten letters

from the bridal shower guests.

two letters in and i’m bawling.

previously i thought it would be a vibe to sit on the bedroom rug, with my hot coffee, and my blanket around my shoulders and this paper collection of love.

but instead there is snot. a whole lot of it.

I ugly cry the whole time I read the booklet.

and then I get up and blow the nose and grab the box of thankyou cards that have been patiently waiting their turn to be written in and find a spot at the kitchen table and with much sentimental feelings I start writing shower thankyous.

youth that evening is singing and campfire.

thursday

last day of school with these girls

recess was anti anti over. and it was the jolliest time.

last authority meeting in the afternoon.

a weird day.

clean up the classroom

and boogie home to get ready for supper deal at school.

it was a ‘’dress - up - as - book - character’’ kind of event.

and of course more campfires.

northern lights

means youth piling onto a trailer ride and down the road we go

to see the sky.

friday. october 11.

coffee in hand like always, sitting on the bedroom rug, and letting the tears fall. the prayers are extra muddled today.

7 months since eddie became free.

and last day of the ranch.

actually the very last day of raising hope ranch operating like this.

I slowly drive up the driveway and two girls on horseback gallop alongside my car.

God. this is precious.

at the ranch. there are hugs. tears on shoulders. and more hugs.

I truly feel God is cradling this place, extra tight today . He really gets this pain we are all carrying.

at the table, i help a rancher with homework. one last time.

later afternoon i drive away and i just feel weird. so much emotion all swaddled up in this day.

to the post office to drop all US invites in mail box. a joy moment.

home to work on newsletter.

back to ranch for supper.

set up outside. with candle sticks and name tags

steak. salad. spuds.

cinnamon bread. with icing.

the food so yum, the vibe so bittersweet.

home. lay on the floor rug for 2 hours and finish the newsletter. I feel like the floor itself after that.

bed. spot the half moon outside the bedroom window.

it feels like tomorrow is a funeral. the prayers i’m praying kinda resemble the prayers I prayed 7 months ago before that repulsing day of seeing ur best friend's casket lower into a cold hole. oh Lord hold us tomorrow. we don't know how to feel. this is just weird. this just doesn't seem right. GOD. hold our shaky hands and feeble heart beats.

saturday.

how does one even pray today? it just feels like I don't know what to say in any convo.

9:30 at school, graduation starts.

over 100 humans gather.

I don’t even know what to write about the ceremony.

each girl does a swell job. and their bravery to stand up there and talk/read their piece, it is beautiful.

so many tears. and so much love and bursts of laughter and proud smiles. and a whole whopping amount of grief.

lunch. and graduation cakes.

after the girls are hugged one last time and the parking lot is sparse. and it's just few remaining ranch family around. and i look at my watch. we’ve been here for over 6 hours. i’m done.

but if i leave, that means this is all done…

and what does one even do after deals like this?

that feeling after a funeral. ya. that's how it felt.

so tiff, sam, n I drive to pour jons for coffee and convo.

home. tried to nap. I am nearing exhaustion.

to mr eric's for supper with the ranch people and their connections.

the sunset tonight is an ombre canvas. and ms shar and i abandon the table and stand on the front lawn and silently stare at the sky as it gets brighter and brighter. tiff joins us. and i marvel at how God knew we needed this touch of heaven magic to end this cruel day.

later in the evening

I go to casey’s for convo and coffee around a fire.

then at 10:20 i head off to tulsa airport to pick up mom

sunday.

tired eyes.

and we keep pouring the coffee.

church. and sentimental feelings.

lunch at the ranch with ranch family.

tears. and uuuuggg.

hearts tug as byes are shared.

and no one tries to hide their tears. this house is so used to the price of love.

floppy monstera plant loaded into jetta.

rental house tour for the mom.

Home.

quick rest

quick coffee.

toast.

pack.

load car.

unload at rental.

home.

future family arrives

and we sit in the living room

and hang out one last time like this.

>

and this

raw

weekend is over.

but it's still raw.

monday.

my heart is done with all the byes and endings and such… my brain is so tired. I lay in bed in my pink room upstairs and read from a devotional book but my brain rattles off on other tracks.

this room I love.

car packed. mom and i in the jetta ready for this roadtrip.

house mama outside waving. window open. ’'i love you’’

and I drive away from that home… not quite believing this is reality.

and just like that

i wave bye to that life in that big blue house on the hill

where a golden aged couple dwells

and in a few weeks i will call them grandpa and gramma.

and all i can say is

‘’I still remember the days, not so long ago, where i prayed for the things i have now.’’

the gratitude is deep.

>

It's been a wild season. on that big blue house on the hill, life has happened. a lot has happened. loosing eddie and the ranch shutting down, things i never could imagine would have happened, have happened. and the greatest things have happened too. and God has been a Father every single day of it all.

and so. this life here in gentry as I know it, those pages are filled to the edge. those pages are stained. stained with coffee rings and deep grace, and tears, and friendship, and messy "whys" and bold "thankyous" and God's fingerprints on every single page. I'll never see life the same again.

it's time to turn the next page. it's time to run up my childhood steps. it's time to go hug that lil remi that I have only met over a screen so far. it's time to go sit at that kitchen table again and eat mama's pancakes and watch prairie sunsets. it's time to hug my hound and horse. it's time to go home and finish getting ready to marry a man who makes me wanna learn how to cook. okay this is getting cheesy. its time to end this.

♡

lets keep letting oursleves be loved by the Painter of the sky. let's keep watching the sky.

"only heaven can show the impact of the ranch" words from a ranchers dad.