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still

on the couch i curl up and reach for Jesus with coffee stains on my bathrobe and grief stains on my heart. the topic of Heaven always comes up. and instant tears halt words. in quietness i sit still. for how long, i don't know. my mind wobbles down paths of grief while im rooted to the spot.


i pray. but wat about, i don't really know. i tell Him i still don't know how to pray in this grief. i never really have known wat to say about this whole situation. words seems so inadequate for loss this deep, this jagged. its over nine months but still my mind wonders when it will ever be normal to talk about her gone without the heart gasping a lil every. single. time. it still feels hardly comprehendible. she was here one day. and gone the next. she was so tough. and now she is up there... what does one pray?


often i just say, ''o Lord may our pain somehow bring glory to You.'' and i tell Him to tell her hi from me. and often the thought comes next "you can say hi to her". so i do. i say "hi eddie.....'' pause. ''i miss you.'' maybe she can hear me. maybe she can't. the tight throat holds any other words captive.


i pray i can be comfortable with my grief so i can be comfortable with others grief. i witness my grief so i can bare witness to others grief. i do believe everything we go through prepares us for future moments. and so i choose to learn what i can from this. i now know Heaven as Home.


''God i don't know. but You know. and maybe that's all i need to know - is that You know.''


as long as im grieving, i sit still in His steady presence. because even on this couch with snot still running, i know He is still good. He really is.

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